The swimsuit

Like most women, shopping for that dreaded swimsuit for the summer can be depressing or just unsettling. This year, I found my swimsuit before summer. They had one of each size, my size at the time  and a size smaller. Afraid that I was going to be too ambitious, I picked up my current size and tried it on. I loved it. It was very similar to the same one I wore last summer while pregnant. I felt sexy in it, it brought out my inner Maroline Monroe.

  

Since I had already worn a suit like it the previous year , I decided I would do the same this year, only I bought the size smaller and a different color. I wasn’t going to give up, and I kept telling myself that there wasn’t going to be any other suits around. So, I offered up my old suits to friends, and knew that there was only one. I hung that suit up, somewhere that I would see it all the time. It was a constant reminder, get fit or look bad in it.

Then the day came, and it was time to put on the suit. DUHN DUHN DUHN, I was scared. I may have been saying an inner prayer that I would be able to get it on.  Guess what I did get it on, and even better I felt great in it.  I felt so proud of myself, to know that all of my hard work had paid off. Now is the moment of truth, to prove to myself and well, those that thought I couldn’t do it…………… The proof is in the picture.

Drum roll please ……………….

                                        

I know I’m not a super model, but honestly I don’t want to be. I may not have thin thighs, or a super flat stomach with abs to wash clothes on, but I’m proud. I’m grateful for the body I have, and the amazing things it can do. This picture may be offensive to some people ( CEO of Ambercrombie and Fitch) but I know to others that it may serve as inspiration. So do as your mama says, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  Be proud of the body you have, and the amazing things it does, even if it isn’t in the shape you want, it’s a gift. So when you put on your suit, don’t look in the mirror and say things like “my thighs are too fat”, or “I have cellulite”, “my stomach is so jiggly,” instead tell yourself that you are beautiful, you’re real, and you are amazing. Now hold your head high and wear that swimsuit proudly!

Addiction? Ha, I laugh in the face of my addiction!

There are so many addictions, and each has its own crippling effects. I don’t smoke, do illegal or legal drugs, and I don’t drink. Yet, I have an addiction like everyone else out there. I’ve tried to conquer it many different ways, but each time, I have failed. My addiction is food. Creamy food, cheesy food, ooey gooey drizzled in caramel food.  I love food.  Now I have never dealt with other addictions, but from my experience food is a hard addiction to break, I would think it is the hardest. We need food to sustain life. We can stop eating, but eventually we starve, and could possibly starve to death. I’ve gone through different phases with food. I’ve done the starvation thing, the eat it all and barf it up later, and even the calculate every single calorie and burn everything off kind of thing. Each time my body suffered. Eventually, I just gave up and gave into it. If I were to guess I would say that I was eating around 3000 calories a day. WAY TOO MANY!

How did this come about you ask? Well, I’m the second oldest of five children, and in our home, we ate what was made or we didn't eat at all. I have two brothers, and any person male or female knows that teenage boys can put food away! So, often times I was still hungry after a meal. I got used to it, until I moved out on my own and I asked myself one day why I was still hungry, I mean I didn’t have to save food for anyone else. So I ate. I promised myself that I wouldn’t have this weird relationship with food that I did when I was a teenager. I was a WOMAN, and I was going to get what I wanted. Unfortunately, everything I wanted got me 60 pounds heavier.

Food is always on my mind. I mean always, but it’s not on it the same way that it was before. Now it’s how many burpees would this cost me? How many squats? How many sets of stairs? Now don’t get me wrong, there are days when all I can think about is the warm gooey center of a freshly baked chocolate chunk cookie, or the sweet and salty caramel dripping off of a warm fudgy brownie. AH here comes the fat girl again, just thinking about these things gets my mouth watering. There is a reason for that. Addiction. Food companies have put a lot of money into finding chemicals that are going to get us hooked. Can you eat just one Oreo? What about those Doritos?

See, there are all those chemicals in the ingredient labels and they use the scientific names so that we don’t know what’s going into our bodies. They have found the perfect cocktail, that gets those brain cells excited and wanting more. These are called exictotoxins. They get the brain cells so excited that they explode, and then you want more. Just like a cocaine addict, one fix is never enough.

Now, I haven’t quite figured out how to reverse this damage, and I honestly doubt there is a way. But I have found it’s easier to avoid these things. My rule of thumb is, if I can’t stop at one, then it’s better to avoid it completely. That’s hard, because it’s a habit, like after a hard day at work one might reach for a beer or glass of wine. I would reach for a cookie, or brownie. Okay, I’m a sweets gal, you got me. Any way,  Your body and brain are used to you connecting the bad day with the reliever (sweets or beer) and it thinks, that is how to heal a bad day. Addictions are nasty things, and the hardest part about breaking one is breaking the bad habit.

I still have bad days, but I’ve learned not to beat myself up over it. I honestly think that the guilt is the heaviest part. Call me crazy, but my guilt is what gives me those extra pounds. I used to think “Oh no I screwed up, Oh well, I might as well indulge now.” That’s dangerous. But I’m getting off track. My point is this, I have to have a motivator.  Now I have many. Which is good, or at least I think. I have visual motivators, and mental. My visual motivators are some of the following; the size smaller swimsuit that is hanging on my closet door ( I see it everyday, and it reminds me that I have only that one suit), the pinterest board of fit women, and the AWESOME women at the gym, with those rock hard arms, or those toned legs. This may sound weird, but the other day I was watching one of my friends do shoulder presses and as I saw her rippling shoulder muscles, I may have drooled at little. No, not like that, but at the thought that I could be like that too. Each type of motivation helps to keep me in line. When I want an extra cookie, I’ll go to my room and look at that suit. Each person has their own way to overcome an obstacle. I have a  friend (one of those gym rats I was telling you about) that says she posts a picture of a woman with a physique that she aspires to have, on her fridge. This is great thinking! I still have this addiction, but I’m learning to control it. I’m learning my triggers, and how to avoid them, and when I can’t avoid them, how to substitute for something healthier. SO, enough talking, I’m going to show you.

So here are a few of the many motivational posts on my pinterest board.

                                 

                         

                       

Go out, and find something that motivates you. It will help you a great deal in breaking your addiction and staying focused on your goals. Good luck, you can do it. Now press onward!

At a glance

I've hit a mental block right? I'm not sure why, but I am struggling. I've had multiple pep talks from my trainers and friends. I continue with my exercising and eating well, I also try reading motivational quotes or stories.  My mind isn't in it or I guess out of it. I'm the kind of person that has to turn my mind off when I hit the gym. If I don't, my mind is full of self doubt and complaining. It's quite annoying actually. You know those girls in the gym, "it's too hot", "this is too hard", "I hate squats", "my knee hurts", " I hate sweating," yeah that's what is in my head. I prefer to turn it off, and count reps, or concentrate on my breathing. Lately though, it has been, "Why are you even trying? You aren't getting the results you want. Just stop already, your hubby would understand." But there are a few things that keep me going, one is I'm a mother of two hard headed children; a six year old that is trying to learn the limits and a ten month old that knows how to push all the wrong buttons, and I need to relieve my stress one way or another. Second, I'm a HUGE cheapskate, and if I know my money is coming out of my account, you better believe if it's $5 or $130 I'm going to be getting my moneys worth. Lastly, I have motivated people. I feel like the little bit that I have done is so small compared to my awesome gym rat friends, but to those that are sitting where I was almost a year ago, I am inspiring to them! Yesterday, I had someone that I admire greatly (she is tiny and has a huge love of food also) tell me that she wishes she could get going, and get fit like me. In my mind I was all "PSSSH, please! I wish I was your size!" But later I realized that, it's the determination that she admired. Maybe my muscles too ;-) Which leads me to this, I have accomplished so much. I look in the mirror and some days I still see what I think is the same old same old, but when I compare my pictures I see a huge difference. I mean who wants a double chin for the rest of their life? NOT THIS GIRL! My trainer was kind enough to share my before and after picture with me today, this may have given me that UMPH I have been needing. This picture is from November 29, 2012 (4 months postpartum) to March 29, 2013 (8 months postpartum). It takes time, but as long as you are losing something, or even gaining something (confidence, muscle, energy) it is worth it.

                                                            IT IS WORTH IT!

So..... it's come to this......

       WELCOME! First off, I feel the need to clear up a few things. First, I am not a grammar teacher and I have horrible grammar. I apologize immensely for my very obvious need for an English class. But, if you will bear with me and ignore the horrible sentence structure or atrocious grammar, I think we will have a great deal of fun! Second, although I may or may not be pursuing a nutrition degree, it has no emphasis on my knowledge of fitness or nutrition, so please remember I AM NEW AT THIS, and I don't have all the answers, this is just what has worked for me. Last but not least, be NICE! Any comments in a negative manor will be deleted. I'm just here to share my experience not to teach anything and negativity will not be tolerated.

      Okay, so now that I got that off my chest, the fun can begin! Hi, I'm Rachelle and I am a food addict. HAHA, aren't we all? Let me tell you a little bit about what brought me to this point that I am at today.  I had just turned 21 or maybe it was 22 (I can't even remember how old I am), and my baby was six months old. I was tipping the scale at 220 pounds, and I was miserable. I had the all clear to exercise again, but I lacked the desire. I felt gross, and I thought that anyone that was looking at me thought the same thing. My once amazing self confidence had been smashed to pieces and I hated myself.

        I tried so many different things, like weight watchers, metabolic research, counting calories, south beach, the fat smash diet, and even some unhealthy ways, like diet pills. YUCK! Each would work for a little while and when I stopped or transitioned back, all the weight came back and maybe even more. I felt defeated every single time.

         Fast forward 5 years, here is where I hit rock bottom. You have to hit rock bottom almost every time before you make a change. I had been trying to get pregnant with our second baby and miscarriage after miscarriage, or failed attempt things would get worse and my hope was shrinking. Doctors told me it wasn't going to happen and to give up. But I knew differently, so I found another doctor, she gave me hope and advised me to count calories and make an appointment with a fertility doctor as soon as possible. I did just this, and found out from the fertility doctor that I had an intolerance to carbs. I was put on a diabetes medicine to help control this, and I was sick! All the time, and I was losing weight very fast. Then we got pregnant! Between the fertility drugs, and the diabetes medicine I couldn't keep anything down. I lost 30 pounds that first trimester. I never felt good again the entire pregnancy.
     
         My son had turned six, and went to the doctor for his well check. He was six years old and weighed 85 pounds, yes he is tall, but even still 85 pounds put him in the obese category. Blood work was required now :-( and the results broke my heart. He had prediabetes and high cholesterol. "That's it!" I cried, "I'm killing my own son!" ROCK BOTTOM!

         I had watched Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead, and decided that since I couldn't keep anything down, I would start juicing my fruits and veggies. This worked! I was able to keep these juices down. I then started to remove processed juices from my son's diet. If he wanted juice, he was getting the good stuff. The research began and processed foods or POISON as I call them, slowly started to leave our home.

        Fast forward yet again, and I'm in my 8th month of  Stafford Bootcamp. I'm down 45lbs from where I began. I juice two meals a day and eat 90% vegetarian meals. I still have cheat meals, and I guarantee that they almost always have BACON! I was a food addict after all, so it's to be expected that I'd have my bacon still :-)  I fit in my wedding dress again, I've gone from a size 18 to a size ten. I get my butt to the gym every day, and I push until I'm shaking from exhaustion. So that's my story, but why am I blogging about this? Well, I have hit a wall. Not physically, but mentally. I still go to the gym everyday, and I still train  for my 5k every other day. My head just isn't in it. I want to care, I really do, but I just don't, but I really do want to. It's a back and forth kind of thing. I'm hoping that by getting my thoughts out of my head that I can knock down the wall and have a bright outlook again. So here is my question to you. When you hit a wall, how do you tackle it? What works for you ?